Self Reflection

Those who barely know me might think that I am an easy going, caring, friendly person.  I try to maintain an image that shows all of the good qualities of myself while inside I am battling and hiding all of the qualities that others might perceive as negative.  I know that everyone does this, and that it is normal to want to be seen as a positive person by others.  But don’t people ever get tired of always trying to hide the things that they are afraid will send others running for the hills?  I have this co-worker who is completely authentic to herself. She says exactly how she feels, and she doesn’t lie or beat around the bushes when dealing with others.   When I first met her, I was taken aback and intimidated by her honesty.  I couldn’t believe how she didn’t try to change how she interacted with people, whether it be someone who was an authority figure to her or if it was one of the kids we work with.   As time has passed, I have started to feel a sense of appreciation for her genuineness.   I wish I could be as honest as she is, and not worry about what others think.  Over the years, I have become so out of tune with who I am as a human being because I always focus on what others are thinking or feeling.  I think that I do this because I can then avoid the negative things that I am always hiding.  If I don’t take time to self-reflect, then I don’t have to deal with what I might find when I actually do.  I can keep lying to myself about how I feel there are a lot of times when I am feeling depressed, or how I am passive aggressive in conflicts, or about how I can be a control freak, or about how I can be selfish towards the people who I love. So in the end, not only do I lie to others but I am lying to myself.  How does this cycle end?  Maybe I end it by taking it a step at a time.  Having one situation in which I tell someone how I truly feel, or I spend one evening a week absorbed in my own thoughts and feelings about what is going on in my life.  Maybe that is the start and then, with time, I will get the courage to do it more and start tackling the things that I like the least about myself, until I don’t have to lie anymore.